Looking back upon the past and dealing with the present now; I can't say which I do prefer....

Self-conscious as I was..., or probably still am...,
Knowing it's all shallow and over&done with...,
I can't help but still being affected by little comments ppl made abt me.

She said I'd build a berlin wall all around me...,
Or that's the impression I gave ppl...,
hmm..., am I now?

Exes here..., there...,
Can I say...,
Yes..! I'd my part of wrong...,
Well havn't you as well???
But the better part of valour is discreet...,
Least I ain't said nothing abt whatever we had with anyone as I believe though we ain't together no more..., the connection we'd shared..., our intimacy that only belonged to us... are solely meant for us....
So even of all ya flaws and wrongs..., I had only myself to share with...,

Looking back...,
Looking upon the present...,

I asked myself...,
Why do I still care???
I am emotional...,
That's what she'd said...,

Or maybe I'm just too comfortable...

I am disappointed with the human race in general...,
I am angry with the ppl ard....,
I don't do human emotions...,
maybe I'll just admit..., I can't handle human emotions...,

Most imptly....,
Ultimately....,
What I've dislike in others..., it is also a part of me as well...,
and I'm only more ppl with start recognizing themselves first...,
before they bitch ard...

Whoever does wat..,
whatever does who...,
We each have our very own ways...
Ways of life...,
and in time...,
We'll find our way...!

You may not see...
But I do believe.

Funny how things turned out.   
I've been stereotyped as Horny biatch...; and Anal Sexual all at the same time.
Sex.....,

Sex.....,
I guess it's a form of intimacy that you share with the one you love...,
and you wanna savour every little part of her.
And when you're in the mood for loving...,
that's wat you crave for...,
that's wat makes us happy....

However...,
There are times when I'd gotten a woman in bed...,
It ain't all for the pleasure...
I jus wanna see what she's like in her shell....,
I jus wanna punish and humiliate her the way I want her to be needy...,
Needy for me.

Pathetic ain't me???
Maybe...

Sex...,
Hmm......,
I wonder what's it all abt...,
But it's definately something that I can do without....,
And want it all at the same time...,

bare it all for me...,
be raw and ready for me...,
release the animal in you....,
moan and call out for me....,
else....,

Nothing at all....

It's good friday today...,
The day when jesus was crucified.
Hmm....

It's also the day I wanna Fuck myself big time.
Disappointed with self....

Dislikes
accusations and assumptions based upon me
anything yellow
body odor
slippers
dresses
perfume
bras
urbanization
cities
politics
bitches (though i am one and proud to be)
wannabes
posers
judgementalist
simplicity
falling sick
getting drunk
alcohol
chai xin
fishhead
peanuts
sanitary pads
yishun
public swimming pools
pubs
misogynist
MCPs
ex - chelle
1pm till 3pm
smell of dirty toilets
urine
sperm
scrotum and testicles (hairy balls in general)
hairy ass
steamboat
7-up
breadtalk
hypocrites
weariness
living
chicken rice
salted egg
pork
dawn
daybreak
morning sun
cancerians
soft toys
falsehopes
disappointments
owners of dirty pets
colourful daisies
my precious moments
disney characters
math and numbers
machines and engines
technicalities
formalism
society
crying in public
falling in love
xmas
crowds
breadfast
lunch
uncircumcision
plain porridge
glasses
captain planet
spiderman
superman
secondary school
jewelleries
peas
rats
anything with beaks
fan
tiramisu
history
war
hungry children
obnoxious man
father
pear
pineapple
peach
cranberries
cheerios
pickles
jalepenoes
leeks
frying pan
soy sauce
washing dishes
ironing
flute
stockings
floral printed bedsheets
guilty conscience
romance novels
shania twain
phallic
facial products
marshmallows
green bananas
latte
being misunderstood
being stereotyped
put in a box
bossy ppl
whinners
telling others what should be done
others telling me to do things that i know need to be done
blue pen
mess
horror movies
soldiers
roses
dead people
saints
monkeys
hippotamus
black socks
ties
relatives
chinese new year
minced meat
noodles
heart shape

Likes (in ya own interpretation)

cigarrette, tobacco, nicotine, and caffeine
Ashes
letters
water
tart
dreams
death
shades of gray
pain of a sprain
tattoo
430am to 6am
breasts
vaginas
muscles
anais nin
anna nalick
white carnations
pink condoms
dark-skinned
wash hand
dirty nails
experimentations
hands on
learn how to love better
receive
diy
words
visuals
smell of cookie crumble
armpits of lover
petite feet
barren trees
tombstone
empty coffins
baby mittens
smell of babies
smell of dried saliva
post-sticks
opening the fridge
fajitas
beef stew
soba
celery and corrianders and tomatoes
clean bed
dirty underwears
guppies
lalang
breeze after rain
dusk
harley davidson
gloves
worn socks
grandma's cooking
plain white rice
eggs
blood
clean laundry but still dirty underwears
white t-shirts
tigerbalms
smell of sweat
smell of after-sex
sound of rain
sound of bass
sound of peace
empty glass
clean toilets
mushroom
shellfood
cheeze
sleeping naked
to be cuddled
hugged from behind
being alone
newborns
smell of hospital
honesty
sincerity
understanding
open conversations
different perceptions
to be corrupted
pseudonyms

If i ever have an alter-ego... it would be.....

Alter-ego as it is...., as it goes...., as it evolves...., who will i be.... what will i become..., how so and why???

I know not.... guess... if i really do have an alter-ego... it'll be subconscious wouldn't it be... to be that someone whom i am not.... and never will be....

what my alter-ego will be....
what i want my alter-ego to be....
too many alter-egos to up-keep... to have.... and i become my alter-ego..., it becomes me. I will never know who i am no more... my alter-ego corrupts me, as corruptions should be...., it inspires....

She will be a toilet-cleaner.
she will be a 70yr old lady with pink hair and wears a 'fuck me' t-shirt with leather pant.
she will be a prostitute who just wanna have sex, not becouse she needs the money but for pleasure, fetishism, be dominated.
she will be me.
and i will be a homeless psychotic bitch who flash at strangers
she will be a prisoner.
she will be a sinner in all respects of sins should ever be.
she will be a whore.
she will be loved, by many of the superficial love should be,
she will roam the earth with nothing in possession, with no parents, with no families and no relatives, she will have no friends, she will have nothing. She will have everything... she will be free.

If i have an alter-ego..., i will be that psychological killer on the loose, killings of every whom i'd ever fucked. I will be a persecutor and a lover. I will kill you, once i'm done and over with you.

she will be loved.
she will be meek and gentle
she will be a cock-teaser and everything a grandparent will want
she will be sweet,
she will be gorgeous,
she will be loved.

She will live...
she will be the devil in disguise.
she will be your mother, your sister, your friend, your lover
She will die, in the arms of her lover at the age of 90
she will not have cancer or any illness at all.
she will be rich.
she will be loved

Alter-ego....,
to be corrupted or to be inspired?
She will roam the earth..... with nothing and everything. She will live in the prison. She will be a prisoner. She will save the sinners, she will be there for the sinners. She will be there for the wronged, and wrongs.
She is wrong.
she has been wronged.
She will be............

.........................
......................
............
.....
..
.

no time for self no more. it's always work. money. charity. it's also come to a point where i finally found a reason to hate 'singaporeans' typical. skeptical. self-centred. materialistic.

i need a break. a break for self. a good workout. body combat, muay thai,

i need a punching bag.

i welcome those who wants to and love to offend me.

you'll best me my next sandbag.

gf's busy as always. with everything anything everyone anyone except me. Even her dog's probably gotten more attention than i do. she's got no life. neither i. how long are we to prolong this torture? we're together and never really do. this sad..... trapped......... caught in between........ either we fly together........ or crash, burn and die.

time...... time it doesn't stand still and wait for no one.

the only thing that never change is changes.

money is not everything. but everything is money.

this party i went to. nice fellows......... lots of bollocks too,......... hahaha...... had a hell of time laughing to myself... deep down inside upon them....... polka dots, and strips, and gucci, and porter...... they just don't go well together...... the worst dress sense ever...... with the use of brandings.... such insults...... worst...... i can look like shit... with as little money spent...... but you had to spent so much to make yaself look like a piece of branded trash,........ what's the diff???  a gucci and flea market shit in the bins??? no diff...... they're still trash...... doesn't matter how expensive it can be.... end of the day...... worn upon you....., they're still trash....... male harlot... hahah, what a hair...... ahhaah....... you'd done an absolutely good job... making the expensive look cheap..... the brands as shit.... high fashion...... hahha...... my ass..... fashion tip no.1, if you know not who you are......, there's really nothing that'll really ever look good on you. Ha!

and i know..... ya laughing back at me too...... tat's where the fun is, ain't it??? and i enjoy it. laugh........ for all you want......... tat's wat i want you to see...... that's wat i want you to assume.......... i am pretending to be you........ i act out 'you'..... incase ya mirrors at home ain't clear enough....... so how you like the joke??? so how you like yaself now.......? i like you lots........ you made my day...... simply,,... totally...... absolutely.......... was all good fun...... my joke.... my secret with myself.......

i am a joker.

i am a poser.

i am a loser.

the only thing tat i win you..... is tat i know and i admit tat i am...... in the end...... i still laugh and walk away with fun and laughter ringing in my head. thanks for giving this chance to finally laugh......... it's been so long......... business...... money........ talk....... you dun agree, you dun have to........ it's not for you to..... it's for me.....!

everything has their pros and cons. any scenarios can be turn just with a snap....... from black to white.

anyone may retort back..... retaliate....... so what? do i wanna continue this silly nonsense???? haha........... do i have to???

piss yaself off...... tat's what everyone does. where i can simply choose to look things elsewhere and churn it to good cheese........ sour...... but i enjoy.

no one's wrong.

neither right.

we just do what's best for ourselves.

i dun blame you.

dun hate me neither.....

and if you really do.....

thank you..........

it jus made my day...... tat i am able to cause such distress in ppl ard.

hahaha

posers everywhere.

bad dress sense.

ugly personalities

talk rich

act rich

pockets empty

hahahaha..... seen so many......... met so many,............ known so many..........

when i do laugh someday........... i am laughing now..... and i'm not rich. neither am i pretty. neither am i good....... but i am having a hell of a time now...... aggravating the shit outtta ppl......... that's my philosophy.... antagonizing you....... thank you!

i have more than you have.......... i have myself. i know who i am. i accepted who i am. i love who i am. i have only myself to impress. and who am i??? who i thus love so???? no one. no categories, no stereotypes .... i am nothing. i live for myself........ i do becoz i want to. i need no comparisons. i need no one to tell me my rules. i have nothing...... and tat's the one and only reason why i live. life...... it's filled with enough sorrows and sadness...... embrace... them...... and continue.. being happy. it's my life. and i am happy......... this happiness that dwells in me..... no one can ever take away......... becoz....... i know........ i decide...... to make you my joke.

someday things will change,......... everything inside out... upside dwn....... but i know......... and you must know.......... i will still make you the joke of my life.

life itself is just so simple. why complicate things by overanalyzing? why make assumptions based on text, theories, words of mouth, why bother to bitch abt others? live up to yaself. set your own rules. live out your own culture. create tat culture. it's boring to follow. it's boring to live according to rules of society. it's fucking boring to be who and what everybody is and wants you to be.

do you care???? what they say, says and assume?

why care??? when they know you not? why bother with silly ppl and things like tat?

why do i try so hard for yasake????

it's not necessary

i dun need to

i dun have to

i live for myself.

i create my own culture.

and that's nothing.

no culture. no rules, no regulations, no obligations.

i am who i am. and am proud to be.

you see me no up???

hah.... i dun even see your existence.

goodwill

best wishes.

 

p.s. wake up ya fucking idea bitches. you in general. and if you think it's 'you' .....

thanks for making my day once more.

look what's best. this best i wish in thee. this best that you have, ten times happy me!

truly.

 

 

Along the road towards ITE,

I've come to understand that there are too many things in my life that i don't need. Since it's all coming to an end soon...., why should i hold on so badly to minorities that probably won't mean much nor matter to me anymore?

Also coming to understand the true meaning of acqusition is not to have anything to hold on to at all. To be able to gain more is to let go of some. Sacrifices. I'm willing to do anything now so long as it saves my soul to carry on with my daily needs.

I dun need you. now nor ever. It no longer matters. Hurt yes. pain, tremendously. still.... life goes on.

we're both heading dwn the road of It's The End. What more have we got to hold on to? I can't even remember when were the days when we'd been happy together. when we'd not argued. When i felt love from you, when i thought i could have love you more.

Grief... Take time off to grief..... I had taken time off to grief, time to cry, time to be upset. mayhap numb..., mayhap finally letting go. i simply no longer feel nor felt the need to anymore. The never ending story is finally coming to an end. regardless... everything has to end... just a matter of time.

We're simply prolonging the pain.... as the feelings are gone, what more have we got among us? what's there to hold on to? happy memories.... i can't seem to remember. i dun even remember your existence anymore. I can't even remember ya face when i thought of ya name. Hah... ironic....  and yet we pretended that we care. we pretended that we needed each other. In retrospect..., we just need a little understanding or simply an end to this saga.

you had been good to me. whatever you had given me was simply through ya kindness. If i'd asked for more, i'm been selfish. And watever i received is a bonus. but i guess i dun need tat sorta bonus. what i really need, is time for myself, time to be. Time to remember who i once was and who i've come to be. the only thing that doesn't change are changes. they are constantly changing without our realization, so now... i've come to accept the things that i cannot change... and that is not loving you no more. And i pray to lord to allow me the courage to change the things that i can; that's to put an end between us. ITE.

Thank you for setting me free.                                                                                    

i may not have realized, but that's just wat i need.

simplicity of life.

drama no more.

saga no more.

simple... live and let live.